High Sparrow

We now return to our regularly scheduled (at least for approximately 3 months out of the year) recap of Game of Thrones! 

The Starks: Wax On, Wax Off Edition - The interior of the House of Black and White is appropriately murky; the walls lit with candlelight and the faces of the many deities that the people of Westeros (and Essos) worship...and in the midst of it all? Arya...sweeping. Arya isn't really into the constant sweeping and wants to know when she will learn to do more? After being attacked by the waif-like girl assisting around the House, Arya is told she cannot possibly learn to become "No One" if she's hanging on to Arya Stark's possessions. 

We are treated a cleaned-up Arya tossing her old clothes, her money and even the coin that Jaqen gave her; the coin that got her to Braavos, they all go into the canals of Braavos...but her sword, her Needle... Arya can't part with Needle and so she conceals it in a nearby rock wall. Once she's completed those tasks, she is admitted through yet another door - her new task is now...washing a corpse! The corpse of a man she only a bit earlier saw drink from the pool in the middle of the room. She wonders aloud what they'll do to the corpse when they finish washing him but isn't rewarded with an answer, so she keeps on sponging.

"No one" comes to Braavos to sweep...

The Lannisters: But I'm a Man Now Edition - In Kings Landing, the very young King Tommen has gotten himself a queen and his new queen knows exactly how to keep her young king wrapped around her finger! After consummating their marriage, Queen Margaery immediately brings up how Tommen's mother is always nearby, guarding her son...her little lion cub. Tommen is quick to point out that he's a man now and doesn't need his mother around to watch over him. Tommen may be King of the Seven Kingdoms, but he's being ruled by two women and it will be a battle royale to see who wins. Tommen is oblivious to the fact that he's merely a puppet for Margaery and Cersei to manipulate; all he want is to stay in bed "all day, every day for the rest of my life..." which, point to Margaery.

Only two of these three are pleased - take a wild guess who's not happy...

Cersei - now the Queen Mother (but maybe don't call her that) - is enjoying an afternoon stroll with her young son and trying her best to fish for information about how he's enjoying married life. At one point she even remarks of Tommen's new bride,"she certainly smiles a lot - do you think she's intelligent; I can't tell"....  Tommen doesn't respond but does suggest perhaps she'd be happier at Casterly Rock; wouldn't she rather return to her childhood home, a place that made her much happier than Kings Landing ever has. Cersei doesn't buy for a minute that Tommen came up with this idea on his own but she insists she's happiest there in Kings Landing, with her family. Nice try Tommen (er...Margaery by way of Tommen...)

Oh Tommen - you are NOT smooth.

Margaery is having a lovely post wedding night brunch with all of her ladies, giggling and recounting the adventures of her wedding night when her new mother-in-law pays her a visit. Cersei has spent almost every moment of Margaery's time in Kings Landing taking her down a peg or two and now that Margaery has the upper hand (she is Queen now, remember?) she immediately turns the tables. She first lets Cersei know that they have nothing to offer her to drink as they have no wine...a veiled acknowledgement that Cersei drinks just a wee bit too much. She then brags to Cersei about how exhausted she is from her bedroom activities with Tommen and to put the nail in the coffin of insults, she asks Cersei if she should henceforth address her as Queen Mother or Dowager Queen - she might as well be asking if she can just call Cersei "hey there you old hag". Cersei smiles politely...but that smile never quite reaches her eyes and as she returns to her guards to walk away, you can't help but feel a little worried for Margaery...

The Lannisters always pay their debts...and that includes pay back for snide comments...

I *almost* feel sorry for Cersei...almost.

The Starks: Vengeance is Mine? Edition - All the way up in the North, Sansa and Littlefinger stop on a hilltop to gaze down at Moat Cailin and it's here that Littlefinger reveals that Sansa will be marrying Ramsey Bolton...an idea that Sansa is NOT alright with. Littlefinger tells her she has always been told what to do, always cried in a corner while her family was wronged (sidenote: Ramsey Bolton's dad, Roose..he's definitely the guy who helped orchestrate the murder of Catelyn and Robb Stark) and it is time for her to avenge her family. Littlefinger assures her that he won't make her marry into the Bolton family but this is her chance to take charge of her life. She thinks on his proposal for only a moment before climbing back on her horse and leading them back to her former home; Winterfell, now under the command of the Boltons. She is welcomed with more than open arms and as the serving woman shows her to her rooms, she smiles at Sansa and says "Welcome home Lady Stark, the North Remembers." This plot could go so many places - I guess we'll have to see what Sansa does with her opportunity for revenge.

Sansa - this is when you should start running. 

North of the Wall: Chop Chop Edition - Lord Commander Snow has his own office - cheers for Jon! He receives Stannis and politely refuses his offer to be legitimized and named as Jon Stark; he has his place at the Wall and needs to command. Stannis advises the new Lord Commander to make quick work of the Wildlings hanging around Castle Black and send Alister Thorne away as he'll no doubt be a problem. Davos stays to advise Jon that since his oath includes the phrase "I am the shield that guards the realms of men" that perhaps he will need to be more involved in the wars to come than he might think. Later we join the men of the Night's Watch as Jon begins to hand down his first assignments as Lord Commander - he makes a joke about a ginger - and makes Thorne the First Ranger before assigning Janos Slynt to go to Greyguard. Slynt doesn't just refuse his Lord's command, he tells Jon he can shove his sword up his bastard ass (his words, not mine)...and well, Jon is forced to make a decision.

The Night's Watch has no place for a man who is coward. It also has no place for a man who won't follow his Lord Commander's requests. Janos Slynt is both of these things and as he lays over the block, he confesses he's a coward - he's afraid and he's always been afraid - but he'll do whatever Jon commands him to do. Jon has no room for mercy; he has to take a stand, to make sure no one else will question his order, he swiftly and succinctly separates Janos' head from his body.

Ain't nobody got time for this...

The Lannisters: This is Outside my Wheelhouse Edition - We end the episode across the Narrow Sea in Essos; on the bridge of Volantis to be exact. Tyrion is literally going stir crazy inside the wheelhouse he and Varys have been in for weeks and decides that come hell, high water or having his head cut off, he has to get out of the box. The two make their way to a brothel after having an unsettling encounter with a Red Priestess of R'hllor and Tyrion quickly finds a prostitute to chat up and even quicker he discovers that maybe he doesn't want to spend time with a prostitute. He steps outside to relieve himself and is immediately kidnapped by none other than the exiled Jorah Mormont, who we last saw being banished from Meereen by Daenerys in season four. Jorah announces that he's taking Tyrion to the Queen...but it's not entirely clear which queen he's referring to.

This is what happens when you make drunk decisions...

Other notes from around Westeros (and Essos) - 

We were introduced to Dorne last week and just as quickly left it behind this week...no sign of Prince Doran, Ellaria, Areo Hotah or the Sand Snakes this week..

There was also no sign of Daenerys, her dragons, Daario and the rest of the crew in Meereen. The Jaime and Bronn Sass and Swagger Road Trip was also put on hold this week (sad but true) but I'm sure they'll be to Dorne in no time. We didn't see Shireen or Selyse Baratheon, Melisandre didn't set anyone on fire nor did we check in on Gilly and see how her reading lessons are coming along.

Brienne and Pod shared stories on the road this week - Brienne told of how Renly rescued her from humiliation when they were teenagers and Pod explained how he came to be in the service of the Lannisters after Tywin spared him from hanging. Brienne promised to teach Pod to ride a horse correctly and fight like a true knight and they agreed to keep trailing Sansa because they have a feeling she's going to need help in the coming weeks.

Jon got the nod of approval from Stannis after beheading Janos Slynt. I don't know if I'd necessarily seek the approval of Stannis Baratheon, but hey...at least someone thought it was a good idea, right?

Littlefinger got called back to the Capital by Cersei - so now Sansa is left to face the might of the Boltons on her own. Also, Littlefinger says he's not heard much about Ramsey but I'm not buying that for a minute... Surely a man who so carefully executes his every move wouldn't put one of the most valuable pieces of the game into the hands of someone he knows nothing about? Wait? Is that exactly what just happenend? Hmmm...

Qyburn is cooking up something crazy in his lab. Could the theories about a Frankenstein's monster style resurrection for The Mountain be a reality?

What the....

Until next time...just calm down FrankenGregor...calm down...