Maybe I'm Being Dramatic...

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for<sup class="crossreference" value="(A)"> and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

Let me preface this post by acknowledging that this may come off as sounding like I'm complaining, being whiny or ungrateful. I'm sorry if it seems that way because I'm none of those things - I realize that I am blessed beyond measure & there are so many other people in this life that have real struggles & dire circumstances that make my day to day life trivial. But - and yes, there is a but to all this, writing about things often helps me sort through my thoughts & feelings. Maybe someone will read this & say a little prayer for me & there is never anything wrong with having anyone lift you up in prayer. We all need it to get through each & every day. That being said...move forward with caution...

I'm feeling those feelings of discouragement & discontent. Maybe they creep in because a new year has started & I get this feeling that 28 doesn't seem like I always thought it would seem. I feel like my life should somehow be different that the dish I've been handed at this moment. I want fettuccine Alfredo with fresh grated Parmesan sprinkled on top but I've been given buttered noodles with Parmesan shook out of the plastic bottle. I know - like I already said, that makes me sound like I'm grumbling about things that I have no business being grumbly about, but I'm also airing my feelings...so there you have it.

I know what causes these feelings; it's those little things that make you feel that twinge of discontent, the looks from certain people that let you know that they think you've not followed that strict path that everyone else has followed - the look that lets you know that because your life doesn't resemble everyone else's you're obviously doing something wrong; this is one of the pitfalls of growing up in a small town, but I digress.The constant nit picking reprimands over silly things; things that have no real consequence but are brought up day after day to remind you that maybe you're not quite up to par. The feeling of looking at your pictures & seeing that it is still just me & the dog while it seems everyone else's pictures have just a little bit more than mine. Feelings of discontent brought on by other feelings: failure, inadequacy, anxiety, being undesirable, envy...the list could probably go on & on. Feelings like that, feelings that are used to make us stray from the path we are meant to be on, the path that the Lord has set down before us. Because if Satan can make us start feeling those things, then he gets his hooks into us & causes us to veer off the path. Satan tells us "the road you're walking has a lot of rocks & holes in the pathway...but look over there at the path those people are on, it's covered with soft grass & has sweet flowers lining the path..."

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.<sup class="crossreference" value="(A)"> He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom<sup class="crossreference" value="(B)"> what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

I usually want to run from these problems as opposed to facing them head on - my solution seems to be wanting to just move somewhere else, get away from it all & start a new life, free from the people & the expectations that I've known all my life. Two years ago, as much as I wanted to move to Virginia it didn't seem like it was where I needed to be. Well, I am getting those feelings or discontent & restlessness again. Of course, my first thought is that maybe the time has come for me to move, to start things again in a place where few people know me & don't have any expectations of what I should have done by now. It seems like the perfect solution & makes perfect sense for my life right now: I have no one & nothing that really holds me back from making a new life for myself & now is the perfect time. Plus, I decreed 2013 the year of change, so I guess I feel like I need to make all these changes. I want to make changes because I have this idea of what I want my life to be - but maybe what I want & what the Lord wants are in major conflict, which causes me to be in major conflict because I don't know what to do - beyond pray. While I know prayer, patience & faith are the answers, sometimes they are hard answers to swallow. It's hard to accept that what I want may be in direct conflict with what I need & as someone who likes to have control, it is also hard to daily relinquish that control & trust that things will work out better when I let go than when I hang on tight to things.

What inspired all these thoughts all of a sudden? Because honestly, they were sudden. I hadn't really thought about this at all until I opened a little snack yesterday.

I mean - is this prophetic? Is it just a candy wrapper?

There you have it. A candy wrapper. I opened a piece of Dove chocolate yesterday, excited to see what it said & that was the message. And the first thought that jumped into my head when I read that was "But wait a second Lord, I don't know that I really like where I'm at." I mean, it's a candy wrapper. Am I reading too much into this or is this the kind of sign you get when you pray for direction? I don't know. I just know that seeing that wrapper made me start thinking all these crazy things about my life & where it is headed. I had to reach out to family & friends, express my concern about the message of the candy wrapper. I'm probably just wound a little too tight but if so, something about the little message on the wrapper has caused me to come undone.

I suppose the only real answer at this point is that I need to continue to pray about the direction that my life should take, be patient & know that sometimes the answer isn't always yes; sometimes it is not now or even no. I should also have faith - faith that if I pray & have the patience to wait on the Lord, things will all work out the way they are supposed to. Even if it means that things aren't always coming up roses. Because to pick a rose, you have to be willing to brave the thorns. 

"Lord, you alone are my portion<sup class="crossreference" value="(A)"> and my cup; you make my lot<sup class="crossreference" value="(C)"> secure. The boundary lines<sup class="crossreference" value="(D)"> have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Psalms 16:5-6