The Wars to Come

"I’m going to be honest up top—I became so delirious with happiness the minute I heard the first notes from the theme song, and that wonderful slicing sword sound...." - Josh Jackson of Paste TV

I know - this is just what everyone has been waiting for, my weekly recaps of Game of Thrones! Just kidding, I know only like...two or three people that follow my blog actually read these and one of those is my Mom and she only reads it because she's my Mom. I love you Mom! This year will be new and improved....with gifs!

Having said that, without further ado...the first episode of Season Five - The Wars to Come!


*Flashback Alert* The show opens on the first flashback the series has ever done; little Cersei Lannister and her "friend"...if anyone can actually call themselves her friend. Cersei has apparently always been mean as a snake, barking commands and practically dragging her friend through the woods to the home of the woods witch to have their (her) fortune told. The woods witch tells Cersei she will marry the King (Robert, not Rhaegar...) and have three children (Joffrey, Myrcella & Tommen, of course) while the King will have 20. Her three children will have golden crowns (does this mean their hair?? Will they all be crowned at some point - they're 2 for 3 so far) and their shrouds will also be made of gold (1 for 3 on that)...and then the witch cackles wildly as we transition to present day.

The Lannisters: Twincest Edition - Yes, I went there. Cersei and Jaime, so close when last season ended (too close...but they always have been) are already bickering and hurling insults in the wake of their father's death. Jaime warns that "they" will try to tear them apart and wants to take control of the Lannister legacy that Tywin built but Cersei is far too concerned with tracking down Tyrion and killing him to care about much else. Later at the wake, Cersei ignores Loras' kind words (I could watch Cersei ignore Loras for a long time, it's hilarious...), rebuffs her Uncle Kevan and laughs in the face of her cousin Lancel. Careful  Cersei - you're making enemies and you're not as smart as you think you are.

At least Tyrion meant to kill our Father...you killed him by accident...

The day Tywin Lannister's soul needs your help....

The Lannisters: Exile Edition - Tyrion emerges from the crate he's been in for...what, weeks? How long does it take to cross the Narrow Sea? It's narrow...it can't take that long. He has an epic crate beard! Apparently he drank himself across the sea and all he's concerned with once he's out of the crate? Drinking himself to death on dry land in Pentos! He can boot and rally like a champ, as evidenced when he throws up what looks like a gallon of wine and then gulps down some more. Varys tries to rally him to the Targaryen cause, telling him he's intelligent and compassionate...but not perfect, since he did kill his lover with his bare hands and shot his father with a crossbow. Varys tells Tyrion he can drink himself to death in Pentos or join him on the road to Meereen and building a better Westeros. Tyrion asks if he can drink himself to death on the road to Meereen instead?

How does one take bathroom breaks in a crate? 

Just like the past...

The Targaryens: Not a Conqueror Edition - In Meereen, Daenerys has obviously gotten tired of hanging her flag on the Harpy atop the Great Pyramid of Meereen and so she has the Unsullied tear that bad boy (eh...girl...) down, which naturally pisses off pretty much everyone in Meereen. This is evidenced when one of her Unsullied goes to a brothel for some cuddles (literally, just cuddles...the Unsullied are eunuchs, remember?) and has his throat slit. She wants him buried in the temple, even though it will only provoke the Sons of the Harpy to more violence. Later when Hizdahr and Daario return from their peace-keeping envoy to Yunkai and Hizdahr conveys that they'd like to see the fighting pits re-opened, Daenerys is quick to shoot him down with a "how many times do I have to say NO before you understand me?" In her boudoir later in the evening, Daario (that booty...hello!) tells her she should re-open the fighting pits as a sign of good faith between her and her new people. He also tells her she should get a handle on her dragons - a Queen of dragons who can't control her dragons...well that's no Queen.

And ya'll...those dragons - they are NOT small anymore and they are NOT happy about being chained in the catacombs! Flambe'd Targaryen; that's whats for dinner. Eek!

Down with the Harpy...up rise the Sons of the Harpy...

You better get a handle on your "children"

North of the Wall: Where Everybody Else Is (almost) Edition - Jon is teaching the little Wildling who killed Ygritte to sword fight...how nice of him. Melisandre just pops up out of nowhere and says the King (that would be Stannis...at least, here...) wants to see him. Melisandre also wants to know if Jon is a virgin. He's not and she likes that answers. She is SO weird, as always! Stannis gives Jon a task: convince Mance Rayder to bend the knee and persuade the Wildlings to join his army or he can be burned alive. Jon makes a good case to Mance, but he's not one to back down on his beliefs, even if being burned alive is "a bad way to go". Yikes! The whole of Castle Black is gathered around to watch Mance be roasted alive, but Jon is too close to the man and in the nick of time, looses an arrow to mercifully kill Mance before the fire gets too strong. A bold move on Jon's part - it might come back to bite him.

Was the coldest place on the map really the best place to meet?

Other notes from around Westeros (and Essos)....

Winterfell is no longer burning in the opening credits, that's nice. The Bolton sigil has taken over Winterfell in the opening credits...that's not nice.

Missandei basically stormed the boy's locker room to ask Grey Worm why a eunuch would go to a brothel. These two don't really know how to flirt...

Brienne needs to stop being moody - and also, pay attention! Sansa and Petyr literally passed within something like 50 feet of you! Ugh - this show and the near misses.

Sam is such a pansy. Even Gilly thinks he should be training but he's not even concerned - he killed a White Walker, what does he have to worry about?

Margaery is up to something. Loras seems to think that Margaery will be stuck with Cersei, the mother-in-law from Hell hovering over her in King's Landing. Margaery thoughtfully eats a grape and says "possibly". Hmmm....

Sansa is playing the game this season guys - she's wearing all black, she's very mysterious, she's asking all the right questions and Petyr is taking her someone "so far away even Cersei Lannister can't get her hands on you." Sounds good...I think...

How is Robyn Arryn still alive? That boy is pitiful....

No Arya this week...boo. No Boltons this week...yay! No Theon this week...eh.

Sansa can't even...

Until next week - Don't get crisped by a dragon!